Shoplifting

My post yesterday brought back memories of my highschool days. The days when I was such a bad A hard guy that shop owners cringed to see me walk through their doors. I have never shoplifted nor attempted to shoplift a single item, but apparently the shear threat of me being near commercial goods was too great for many a store clerk. Observe these 3 stories:

Exhibit A:

Shop'N'Go. 1990. I walk in with some pals to buy a bevvy and some candy of some sort. The clerk rings me up and then says (in a shaking nervous, yet trying to be tough voice), "...and I'll take whatever that is in your pocket too." Now my first instinct was to punch him in the throat over the counter, but instead I reached into my pocket, pulled out the Guns n Roses mix tape I had just made and said, "Oh you want my mix tape too you (insert some mean teenage expletive here)?!?" He backed away, and we left.

Exhibit B:

REI. 1992. I had just bought a sweet Burton fleece at Salty Peaks. It had all these shapes and squigglies on it. It was totally 90s but since it was right when fleece came out, it was hot stuff. I put it on, and then we decided to go to REI. We walked around for a while and then, finding nothing to buy (since REI is a freaking rip off) we headed out, got in the car, and pulled out to leave. Just then, in my rear view mirror I see this nervous, shaking REI employee (who had been eyeing us in the store) come running out of the store and write down my license plate number. I thought, "WTF (f standing for flip of course)?"

Then I realized.

She thought I had stolen the jacket. I flip around and start driving towards her to explain the situation (not mow her down I swear). She screams and turns around to run back inside. I jump out of the car and run through the door. I ask another clerk where she went. No comment. So I pull the receipt out of my pocket and say, "Look - she thinks I stole this jacket for some reason, but I didn't and I have the receipt right here to prove it."

I guess the lesson here is if you shop at a store regularly, make sure you never wear the clothes from that store when you return to that store. If you must do so, please carry the receipt.

Exhibit C:

1993. Kirkhams. Royal Robbins hats were huge. My friend Dmode and I are of course wearing them because they were hot and so were we. Another case of the "buy our clothes but never wear them back to our store." takes place. Very similar to REI in fact. We see a worker come out and jot down my license plate as we drive off. By this time I don't care so we flip him off and drive away. If you want to call the cops on an $8.99 hat that I didn't steal, knock yourself out granola boy.

So why do I (or did I) look like a thief? No idea. I think it is just that when I walk into a room weak jealous people think I am going to steal something from them (other than their dignity which is already mine).