Today is a good day

This morning on the way to work I saw a man dropping off some dry cleaning. Now he looked like a normal man in many ways. He had a business suit and a dark professional looking overcoat on. However there was one difference.

That's right. A red beret! Now this was not the cool army type beret you may be imagining. It was more of the french look with the little stem at the top.

Needless to say, I was ecstatic.

In other news, my new thing is linking specific words in my blogs to photos found on Google Images.

boo yah II

My good friend Stevo (yes that is Stevo of stevotech.com and StemolCorp), was so excited about my "boo yah" post, that he sent me this awesome photo.

Thanks Stevo!

scratch n win

The "void if removed" section of those scratch n win games would be like having a button on your new car that says "Pushing this button will cause your tires to detatch and roll away." Why even have the "void if removed" section if scratching it off disqualifies the ticket?

However, it does feel vindicating to angrily scratch that part off after getting the "Sorry try again" message. "Oh yeah??? Void THIS sucker!!!!!"

Booo yah!

What a great exclamation "booo yah!" was. It never got old.

Casa de Bandini

Well... I thought it was the best mexican ever.

Something must be wrong with your mouth Craig.

http://www.bazaardelmundo.com/dining/bandini.html

Easter Grass = misery

I mean the stuff gets all over the place, and is impossible to clean up. Plus, your jelly beans get buried deep within the bowels of the Easter grass making it impossible to get them out without grabbing some of the grass. The result is that your candy pile ALWAYs contains a few strands of grass. Some say it is nostalgic. For me it is just dumbstalgic.

My suggestion: Use paper towels to line Easter baskets instead. Now it is EASY to get every last jelly bean out of the basket and into your candy pile.

Red Robin

I ate there twice this week.

Yummy.

"Never put yourself between two dogs or try to stop a dog fight."

Though breaking up a dog fight sounds like a good idea, Salt Lake County Animal Services advises against it. This is just one of the many nuggets of advice listed on the "Ways to behave in order to avoid dog bites" list:

Others include:

• Don’t put your face in the dogs’ face.
  No explanation on that one. I guess we just have to take their word for it.
  
• Don’t make fast, abrupt, or jerky movements around a dog.
  Great, that rules out the "bring your dog" dance party I had planned.
  
• Don’t play games with a dog that are aggressive in any way.
  Great, that rules out my "bring your dog" boxing party.
  
• Don’t tease a dog or make loud noises around dogs.
  Great, that rules out the "bring your favorite instrument" dog party.
  
• Don’t bother a dog with puppies and don’t try to pet or play with the puppies. What??? Don't pet or play with puppies?" Come on!! I might as well just lock myself in my closet if I can't play with puppies. They are so cute and playful! They just beg to be played with. I love them.
  
• Never approach a dog that you don’t know, even if it is chained or tied.
  But what if he tells me he knows my mom and dad, and they asked him to pick me up from school?
  

Here is the complete list.

The Salt Lake County Animal Services department could have saved a lot of time and effort by just using one bullet that basically sums up the list:

Ways to behave in order to avoid dog bites:

• Stay away from dogs

.com

I've been know to exploit the hilarious antics of my son Sam from time to time in order to post a funny blog.

Today is one of those times.

So at the library Sam finds a "Bob the Builder" book.

Erin: Is that Bob?
Sam : Yeah Bob.
Erin: Bob is spelled b-o-b.
Sam: dot com.
Erin: B-o-b dot com?
Sam: Yes b-o-b dot com

It appears Sam thinks "dot com" is a letter of the alphabet.

and hey... maybe it should be.

dot com

em-dashes are the bane of my existence

Not on the menu

Here's an insider tip. All restaurants have some "special" items that are not on the menu. If you can find out about these, you enter an elite group of connoisseurs for that particular restaurant. Oh and be prepared for some fabulous taste-tacular extravaganzas in your mouth.

Sometimes, these are old items that are no longer on the menu. Sometimes they are hybrids (I like the word 'hybrid') of two or more items that exist on the menu. Sometimes they are "chef specials" that the cook only makes for friends.

When you order such an item, the 16 year old behind the cash register will look at you in admiration. You ARE somebody. One day she hopes to be "in-the-know" like you are. The feeling is quite exhilarating, I must admit.

One such item is the Mr. Misty Freeze at Dairy Queen. This item falls under the "hybrid" section of the "not on the menu" list. Oh sure- the Misty Slush is on the menu. But the Mr. Misty Freeze is a cross between a slushy and a float.

That's right. Ice cream in a slush.

Let me tell you- it's something else.

You can order it in any flavor that the misty comes in. Last night I had the Blue Raspberry. Another of my favorites is the Kiwi-Strawberry.

When you order it, give the worker a wink. Then just smile quietly as everyone you are with tries to figure out what you got, and why that isn't on the menu.

Welcome to "in the know". You've earned it. Rock star.

www.bbqwings.com

I own that web address by the way:

http://www.bbqwings.com

meanwhile, back at the shire

The name Bill rocks
The name Bo rocks
Bilbo is like some magical hybrid of 2 of my favorite names

seriously

"It's as easy as taking candy from a baby."

I just want to know who gave this candy to a baby in the first place. I mean everyone knows babies should not be eating candy. Babies need nourishment, so they can grow up strong and healthy.

About the nanny

Cheryl: I don't think the nanny is all there.
Larry: Why do you say that?
Cheryl: She's been talking crazy. She told me that she likes to pet horses.
Larry: Horses?
Cheryl: Yes and about how much she enjoys corn dogs.
Larry: Hmm.
Cheryl: And that she likes to take baths with her socks on.

excerpt from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Popcorn... not just for movies anymore

Same Great Taste

Last night I was dipping some tasty Tostitos Scoops in a left over cup of Cafe Rio creamy tomatillo dressing.

On the bag it said "New Look! Same Great Taste!"

I guess that is to prevent something like this from happening:

"OH NO!!!! The bag is a different color!!! DO THE CHIPS TASTE THE SAME???"
"Call Frito Lay!"
"Open the bag! Do they taste the same?"
"I just want to make sure these chips have the same great taste."
"I mean, the bag looks different. Did they change the taste too?"

Does anyone really think chips would taste different if the bag is blue instead of red and has triangles instead of confetti on it?

PLUS this is assuming that people actually know what the old packaging looked like... which they don't. No one does. No one cares.

Stop putting that on crap.

...part of a nutritious breakfast

Today Erin asks Sam what he wants for breakfast:

Erin: Sam- what do you want for breakfast?
Sam: Shhhhugar and gum balls
Erin: Sugar and gum balls?
Sam: Actually 4 gum balls.

I feel like chicken tonight!

Back in '96, I dressed up as a chicken, jumped in the back of a van with then K-Bull (now kuer) DJ Dan Baumus and this other hot female DJ, and drove around West Jordan looking for homes that had an "I feel like Chicken Tonight" sign in their window.

When we found one, we'd get out of the van. Dan would hand me $100 in $20 dollar bills, and I would dance around and then give the homeowner the money. Then Dan and the hot chick would interview them on live radio...

True story.

"That's what I'm talking about!"

-- as spoken by Sam in church today when Erin got out the number puzzle.

ECT

All Land Cruisers come fully equipped with the ECT button which stands for "Driving Pattern Selector Button" which lights up a green "PWR" light on the dash.

Where I am right now

iron-on letters

So last night for a church activity we bought a bunch of iron on letters and some fabric markers and let the kids make their own wacky t-shirts. These kids are between 12 and 16. I thought I'd share some of my favorites:

"Sharing is Caring" (care bear theme)
"Pitch to Barry"
"Destroy Clowns" (with a drawing of a clown)
"When this shoulder goes up it means nope" (on shoulder)
Front: "I am a good boy" Back: "SLC Jail"
"Happiest Person on Earth" (this kid was going to wear it to Disneyland next week)

There were also some creative ones like the "Shirt Ninja" who actually wrapped the shirt around his face after designing it. And the "tuxedo vest shirt". Sleeves cut off and a collar, tie and buttons drawn on.

My favorite had to be:
"Can You Help Me? Walllmart" The question mark was backwards unintentionally, and yes, there were 3 ls in Walmart. I have no idea what it meant, but man- it looked great.

2 under rated movies

Last night I saw "Hero" with Jet Li. This is the first of Yimou Zhang's 2 martial arts movies. The other is "House of Flying Daggers" which was nominated for an Oscar in cinematography (rightfully so).

Now for some reason, I have heard a lot of negative comments about both of these movies. A lot of people think they are too dramatic. Let me say- both of them blew me away. They are 2 of the best movies I have ever seen.

The way I rate movies is this: 95% story, script and acting - 5% everything else. Both "Hero" and "Flying Daggers" have incredible, intense storylines, and great acting. They are the kind of movies that make you think. "Hero" especially got me, though I can't decide which was my favorite of the 2. I will always remember the final 5 minutes or so of "Hero".

I think the reason some people don't like these movies is they are expecting a "Bruce Lee" type Kung Fu movie. I love Bruce Lee, and I am a fan of martial arts movies. However, these movies are not Bruce Lee movies and you will be disappointed if that is what you are expecting.

You need to watch these as dramas that happen to contain martial arts. They are not completely realistic, and do contain wire-fu ('Hero' more than 'Daggers'). Both are also very artsy. There are some scenes that are so beautiful, that they are almost more like paintings and less like movie scenes.

If you watch them for the story, and just let the martial arts be extra, I think you'll agree. They are amazing.

Looking for a band name?

About 8 years ago, some friends and I got together and created a huge list of band names. Over the weekend I was cleaning out some old stuff, and found this list.

It's golden.

I decided to post some of the best (or worst) from the list. If you are a member of a name-less band, and would like to use one of these, feel free. Just give my site a shout out in your liner credits or something.

Enjoy:

• False Interpretation
  
• Leopard Spasm
  
• Lucky Strife
  
• Idgit
  
• Multiple Sphinkter
  
• Ingrown Arm
  
• Love to be Bad
  
• Pimple Party
  
• The Popular No Ones
  
• Fustrated
  
• Braided 3rd Arm
  
• Bip Bam Beam
  
• Juicy Gland
  
• Inadequate Lodging
  
• 15 Baby Tent
  
• Sticklers for Reason
  
• Stolen Nostril
  
• I Can't Believe it's Not Science
  
• I Can't Believe it's Not Broken
  
• Rhineholt Brohmer
  
• Clearly Fruit
  
• Boss Hog
  
• You Don't Gnome Me
  
• Book 'O' Stormin'
  
• Troll Patrol
  
• Anvil Putty
  
• Electric Diaper
  
• Banjo Beaters
  
• Half Twisted Vision
  
• Anti-Positive
  
• Slippery Limbo
  
• Evenrude
  
• Dog Diet
  
• 4 Pound Riot
  
• Constant Station
  
• Rent To Own
  
• Proof of Purpose
  
• Ib
  
• Goin' Ape
  
• The Poo Cookers
  
• Die Poor
  
• Shady Session
  
• Speckled Cleaver
  
• Leave it to Andy
  
• The Liver Yankers
  
• Dead on the Net
  
• The Ninny Pushers
  
• Ready to Burst
  
• The Hooded Heathens
  
• Bibber
  
• Midget Bucket
  
• Prissy Mrs.
  
• Drunken Indian
  
• License to Holler
  
• Boobin
  
• Yougottawanna
  
• Bald Puppet
  

One of the coolest things I have ever seen

I mean horses are cool. Rock 'n' roll is cool. But it took a genius to put the two together...

The use of the word "pod"

As you may have read on Friday. I got an iPod. It rocks and I love it. A lot.

So I was trying to think about why iPods are so freaking cool. I mean I am not the only one who thinks so. iPod is rated the #1 mp3 player in this month's issue of Wired.

So what has lead to this world-wide success?

The use of the word "pod".

It's just a cool word. I mean think about it. You could put pretty much anything with the word "pod" and suddenly it is cool. Behold:

• bacon-pod
  
• gopher-pod
  
• pod-sulphur
  
• pod-cabbage
  

None of these are particularly cool words. However when you add "pod" to them, they are instantly hip.

And hip sells.

And so does the iPod.

Hey

As I looked at the dusty broken piano, I thought of an old friend I had named Dusty, who once broke his arm playing the piano.

Ninja Squirrels

So the first squirrel was all, "whatever!" and the second one is like "whatever THIS!" Then he kicks the first one in in the head.

It was pretty cool.

Wow- this guy is cool

Now I'm all up in da penetentary for doin' my biz son.

Bugger off

This post is less funny and more amazing:

Last night my sister-in-law went to parent teacher conference at Olympus Jr. High. Her first stop was her daughter’s first period history teacher. She told the teacher she was Marley’s mom. He seemed a little confused. “Marley’s mom?” he asked? “Yes, Marley.” she replied. He stared at her, and then replied “Where is your accent?” “Accent?” she asked. To which the teacher answered, “Yes, how long have you lived in the states?”

At this point there was a long pause.

The teacher broke the silence, “You are from England right?”

Here we are, 7 months into the school year, and this teacher fully believed that Marley was from England. She has been faking an accent since day one. I marvel at the talent this would take.

First of all – to follow through for 7 months would be quite a task. I mean the first day would be funny. But to keep it going for this long would take some skill.

Secondly – she must have been pretty convincing. It turns out many of the kids in her class also believed she was from England.

Thirdly – remember, this is first period. We are talking 7:30 am. Most kids are barely awake at this hour, yet she was attentive enough to change her identity day after day.

I can’t blame Marley for wanting to be British. Those are some cool blokes.

This Invention

Last Christmas we were given a can of nuts. We had a small get together, and decided to present the nuts as a snack. I sat and observed the activity around the nut can. I noticed that no one really grabs a handful of nuts and eats them. They pick and choose. Cashews are definitely the most picked out nut. But then there are also almonds, peanuts and pecans. Everyone has their favorite. No one likes the Brazil nut. It is more like a giant seed. I personally have never eaten one, and I don't know anyone who has.

As all of this was running through my head, an idea hit me. I present to you THE NUT SORTER.

This is an adaptation of the standard coin sorter. Remember those? Everyone got them for their birthdays in 3rd grade. You'd dump all your coins in and this little machine would put each one in its proper place with amazing accuracy. You'd try to trick it. 3 quarters, then a nickle, then another quarter. I mean nickles look like quarters right? Not to a coin sorter. Each was properly placed in it's column. Amazing.
Could the same be done with nuts? I think so. The Nut sorter would be more like the tray version of the coin sorter (seen below).



The only tricky part would be sizing the holes. I think with some experimenting it could be done. Now the Nut Sorter would not be as accurate as a coin sorter due to broken nuts and the like. I would bank on between 75% and 90% accuracy depending on the specific can of nuts. Top tray would hold all the Brazil nuts. Perhaps it could have a funnel type tool on one corner for easy to dumping into the trash. The bottom tray would end up with all the tiny pieces. You could use those to put on your ice cream or in a tasty salad.

Ideally the trays would look fancy and could then be used as serving trays at get togethers.

It's a real winner. Get on board now. It's gonna be huge.

The Moustache Treaty

I told my good friend Dan about my new blog. Here's how it went down:

D-Mode: nice blog
J-Dawg: hey thanks
D-Mode: it will last about a month - then you'll stop
J-Dawg: nope

He continued to doubt my commitment to you, my loyal fans. So a deal was made:

In the day that I, Blogdor the Fiercesome, discontinue writing in this blog, I will thereby be obligated to grow a moustache.

Now- I did specify that if I am camping, or otherwise unable to access a computer for an extended period, that this does not constitute a breach in contract, and thus does not necessitate the growing of the moustache.

I am sure some of you are thinking that I rushed into this too quickly, and have not considered the real consequences of this oath. Fear not.

Behold:



I have gone as far as to see what I, and my close pal William Hung would look like with moustaches. I figure if I grow one, he will, cause we are always hanging out and to be honest he kind of just does whatever I do.

I know how important it is that the picture on the right (labeled for your convenience) never comes to pass. I mean I look ok, but it would for sure be the end of William's career.

So take this as my promise to you that if you visit this page daily, you will never be disappointed. Well... no, you probably will be. But not because I didn't post something.