I'm Finally the Best at Something

Found out today I hold a company-wide record. Unfortunately, it's not quite a good thing.

A few weeks ago, the network admin guys installed a sniffer server that can track employee activity online, such as streaming media, P2P, web site visits, etc. It even count and read your individual instant messages.

Apparently I am the top offender for instant messages in the company.

I find it hard to believe, because I have seen the amount of chatting that goes on around me.

Maybe it is that the quality of my chats is so much higher, that I earn a higher score. One of my chats is worth 15 of yours. Or perhaps I type so fast, that I am able to chat more in 2 minutes than my co-workers can in 2 hours. Or perhaps a terrorist has infiltertrated my computer security and is sending 100s o' messages daily to Osama, planning our destruction.

I'm not sure how I got the score, but it's just good to know I am the best at being bad. I'd like to thank my family, and the academy. Maybe I really do need one of those Bad to the Bone t-shirts I blogged a while back.

Your's Truly,
#1 playa hater

My Rankings

From time to time, I find myself going through my stats and investigating out how people get to my blog. This almost always results in some very humorous findings that involve my search engine rankings for certain words/phrases I have blogged about or mentioned. Here are some of my recent favorites.

Guess who is:

#1 on Google for "Olympic Commentators" (above NBC)

#1 and #2 on Google for "Il Pomodoro Volante" (Olympian Shaun White) (Again above NBC)

#1 and #2 on msn for "creamy tomatillo dressing" (yeah from Cafe Rio)

#9 on Google for "Screamo Bands" (this proves it's good music tara)

#2 on MSN for "ECT PWR" (that's right stevo)

#10 on MSN for "Growing a moustache" (even though I've never had one)

And my personal favorite... #2 on MSN for "Playa Haters"

I was explaining this to my wife and she asked, "so what does that mean?" I thought for a minute."uh... well... not much." The truth is, it means nothing. I don't make any money off of this blog. But man there is just something cool about the fact that every time someone searches for "growing a moustache" they will see my site address. I think it means I'm famous.

It's what's for dinner

Just heard a great story. And you know how I like great stories. A lot. Yep.

So my sister in law and her family were having some neighbors over for dinner. She had worked all day to cook a delicious roast. They rarely have roast, so everyone was excited. Well almost everyone.

The time had come to sit up at the table and eat. As Shaneequa (whose name has been changed for her protection) started to serve the roast, her 3 year old refused to have any. She passed him up and served the rest of the family and the guests, and everyone started eating.

"Terrence (whose name has been changed for his protection), you don't you want any roast?" she asked. "No!" he said. The rest of the family started eating and commenting on how good the roast was. "Mmmmmm Terrence. This is GOOD roast." But Terrence wasn't budging. He didn't want any.

Finally Shaneequa asks, "Terrence, why don't you want any roast?"

"Mom," says Terrence, "I don't like eating poo."

Is it me or is all of the Winter Olympics ice skating?

[10:04] Jdawg: why is there so much damn figure skating in the olympics?
[10:05] Jdawg: I swear that is like 90% of it
[10:05] D-mode: yeah I hate it...so lame
[10:07] D-mode: now
[10:07] D-mode: the question is
[10:07] D-mode: is it a sport?
[10:08] D-mode: ice-dancing...no way
[10:08] Jdawg: ice dancing is the biggest joke out there
[10:08] Jdawg: I thought it was new
[10:08] Jdawg: then they said it had been around since the 70s
[10:08] D-mode: I mean yeah, they are talented but...c'mon...leave it out of the olys
[10:09] Jdawg: I mean isn't it bad enough that we have dancing with the stars?
[10:09] D-mode: yes
[10:09] D-mode: it is
[10:09] D-mode: anything where you have to compete with music playing in the background is not a sport
[10:09] Jdawg: word

The Cat Piano

I guess I've been wrong all these years. Cats are not good for nothing after all.

Read more about the cat piano >>

Cafe Rio Creamy Tomatillo Dressing

3 fresh tomatillos, cut into quarters
1 package Ranch Buttermilk Dressing mix
1 cup mayonnaise*
1/3 to 1/2 cup buttermilk
1 cup fresh cilantro
2 cloves crushed garlic
1/4 teaspoon crushed cayenne pepper

Combine all ingredients in a blender and refrigerate at least one hour.

*For a thicker dressing reduce mayonnaise to 1/2 cup and add 1/2 cup sour cream to mixture.

Finger-less Folks

You may have read my Genius post a week or so ago. If not, dude, it's a good one. What were you thinking? Go read it.

One of the things I mentioned in that post was my buddy's mother-in-law who is missing a few fingers (and a few marbles too), and how she makes a point to shake hands with that hand and make sure everyone sees the missing digits.

So today I went to the gym. I hand my membership card to the guy at the front desk like always. He was a new guy who I hadn't seen before. He asks me how I am doing, and I say, "Good- how are you?" He kind of sighs and says "doin' okay." Then he takes my card which he is holding in his right hand, and instead of just giving it to me, he switches it over to his left hand and sticks it in between his index and middle finger. I go to reach for it, and notice that he is missing half of his index finger.

Don't get me wrong, losing a finger would suck, and I really feel for anyone who has had to go through that. But that said, why didn't he just hand me the card with his right (five-fingered) hand? It was in that hand to begin with! Plus the way he said "doin' okay" as he handed it to me, it was as if he was saying "I'm doin' ok... except for THIS FINGER I'M MISSING! LOOK AT IT!!! Look at my finger!"

It wasn't even all the way gone either. It was like a half stubsy. I mean in appendage loss that is pretty minor right? Better than losing your arm from the elbow down because you had a water ski rope wrapped around it and wiped out (like my aunt's 2nd husband did). Cheer up pal. You've only got 0.5 less fingers than I do. That's nothing. Life is good.
P.S. I fully expect to lose a finger now for making fun of finger-less folks...

Dell Computers sues for ownership of children's song

In a lawsuit just slightly more bizarre than the one they have against Paul Dell, Dell computers insists they should own the children's song "Farmer in the Dell."

Citing paratism laws, Dell has issued a statement claiming ownership to the song that has been sung by children for decades.

"There's no way to calculate the damage this song has done to Dell Computers Inc's image." said a Dell spokesman. "We are not farmers. Farmers don't work for Dell. Farmers don't know anything about computers. They just know about chickens and corn. There is NO farmer in the Dell."

When asked what Dell plans to do with the beloved childrens tune, the spokesman went into another anti-Farmer fit, and then mentioned charging high royalties to any company who has published this song in the past, or who plans to publish it in the future.

"Dell works hard to be Dell. We can't have other Dell's trying to be Dell when we are Dell. Dell.. Dell! Dell dell dell dell dell..." said the spokesman while banging on his forehead with a laptop (a Dell).

Also on Dell's list of possible lawsuits is late Nascar driver Dale Earnhardt, and his son Jr. "We know it's spelled differently, but you say it the same. And for that reason it should belong to Dell. Dell doesn't race cars. People need to know that's not us." the spokesman argued.

FYI - This article is not true. None of it ever happened. Well except for the Paul Dell lawsuit. Ludicrous huh? Read about that here. Donate to Paul Dell here.

My K2

My junior year of highschool I was in the market for a new snowboard. I heard by word of mouth that there were some kids at school selling boards for way cheap, so I talked to one of them to get the scoop.

Kyle (whose name has been changed for his protection): "$100"
Me: "Wow- for a new K2?"
Kyle: "Yep!"
Me: "Did you parents just buy you a new one or something?"
Kyle: "No- see we go to resorts and steal these while people are eating lunch."
Me: "Scandalous. I'm in."

So I went home and told my mom that I was going to save up to buy Kyle's old K2. "It's only $100", I told her. I guess the prospect of a new snowboard when I was currently still riding my Burton Elite 140 which I got in 7th grade, was too much. The temptation was too great. Plus it was that black one with the neon pink and yellow paint splashes.

Well I gave it some thought. Probably had a honesty lesson in seminary or something. And I decided not to buy the stolen snowboard.

A few days later, Kyle asked me if I still wanted a board. He said the K2 had been sold, but he could get me another if I wanted. I told him maybe later, but that I didn't have the money. Yes- I took the lying approach instead of standing up and saying he shouldn't steal other people's boards while they ate lunch. He kind of grinned. I figured he knew the real reason.

I found out why Kyle was grinning. On my birthday. Disaster. I open all my presents, and then my mom has this smile on her face. She brings me out a wrapped present which is obviously a snowboard. I get excited. I open it. It's a K2 with neon pink and yellow paint splashes.

Me: "Wow! This is the EXACT kind that Kyle was going to sell me!"
Mommy: (bursting with joy) "That IS the one Kyle was going to sell you!"
Me: "$@#%!!"

So yeah- my mom bought me a hot snowboard. Kyle had quite a laugh in my mom's expense the next day.

I kept the board and used it for 3-4 years. I didn't even tell my mom about it until just a few years ago. However- I did end up giving it for free to a yound kid in my neighborhood who really wanted to get into snowboarding, but didn't have the money for a board.

That act of charity cancels all the evil behind it out right?

What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work

Olympic Commentators

You've seen the movie "Best in Show" right? Remember the commentators in the dog show? It was Fred Willard, and some british guy. Fred Willard had no idea what he was talking about and made comments like "And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten." and "How much do you think I can bench press?"

So last night as I was watching the Men's and Women's long program in figure skating (yes, my olympic junky-hood has even driven me to watch figure skating), it sounded like Fred Willard all over again. The male commentator obviously had no idea what he was talking about, and the female (who sounded like she had some skating experience) was constantly correcting him and shooting down everything he said. However nothing prepared her for his comment after the Russian team's solid (gold-winning) performance,

"Their spot on the podium is secure as all get out."

Yes- on international coverage of the Olympics, the phrase "as all get out" was used. I'm excited to watch tonight when he says that the Chinese biathlete can ski "like a mutha" and the U.S. bobsled team is "straight up dizzope".

il pomodoro volante - The Flying Tomato

Here's to you my fellow red-headed brother. You did your best, and for that I am proud of you. You are a great kid, and a pleasure to watch on that snowboard of yours. Ride on pal, ride on.

Today is your day Mr. Bush

Today is really the only day I like President Bush. You see, I just finished and filed my taxes and got a nice refund. So while I really do think that money could be better spent somewhere else like health care or education, the greed in me says, "Hey- all those tax breaks are kind of cool."

Don't get too comfortable Bushy, tomorrow you go back to sucking, big time.

Genius

Just heard a great story from a fellow I work with. He's the one with the "Size Matters" Mario shirt in my photo blog.

Anyhow, he is from Idaho and has some of the best in-law stories I have ever heard. Everything from his wife's 21-year-old brother saying it's ok for him to cop a feel on her because they love each other in their family, to her other brother who skins anything that dies (including neighborhood cats) and wears a rat skull around his neck, to her 15-year-old sister that weighs 300 pounds and wets the bed. The first time he met her parents, her mom was wearing a see-through night gown and shook hands with him with her "good hand" which happens to be missing 2 fingers.

Yes- It's all true.

We keep telling him he needs to take a camera next time he goes and make a pilot for the next MTV reality family show. Crazy thing is, his wife is normal. I've met her. Normal girl. He's pretty sure she was adopted.

So anyway here is the story. He was there at Christmas time and they were doing their gift exchange. The sister gives one of the brothers a box and starts laughing. "I got you a genius shirt. Because THAT's what you are." Everyone laughs because the dude is pretty stupid apparently.

So, he opens the box to see this shirt. Yeah. Guiness. The beer. Now here is where it gets good. NO ONE KNEW!!! Even the parents. They all started laughing. "Genius! Hahahaha! Just like it says! You're a genius alright! hahaha!"

It's stories like that that make me glad I don't wear t-shirts.

Celebrity Sighting

That's right. I saw Ken Jennings at the downtown library the other day. He was no doubt brushing up on a little trivia, learning stuff and getting smart. He is shorter than I thought he was... I could take him. All that smarts and Jeopardy money ain't gonna save you from the flying red fists of fury jenn-i-o!

Confession Time

Guys- I didn't watch the Super Bowl. I rarely do. I did turn it on yesterday, but it was 3 to 0 with 7 minutes to go in the 2nd quarter. Sounded pretty boring to me.

Thing is- I would love to watch the ads. If I had TiVo I'd probably record the Super Bowl and skip through the GAME to watch the ads.

I guess I am a loser... because I don't have TiVo.

Screamo

I'm a big fan of screamo music. However like with other music, I have some pretty tough standards that bands need to live up to in order for me to listen to and like them.

The most important aspect in selecting a good screamo band is the scream/sing ratio. I myself favor a 30/70 ratio. In other words 30% screaming and 70% singing. Any more than that and you'd better have some dang good lyrics and music or I'm not listening to you. Believe it or not there are bands out there with a 100/0 scream/sing ratio and I just can't see how anyone can listen to that. They have these wicked awesome riffs and then they just scream over them. It gets really old about half way through the first song. People who like anything more than a 50/50 scream/sing ratio are either trying to be hard, or just plain deaf.

An example of a 40/60 band that I love is Thrice. Yes they scream a little more than I like, but they make up for it with their hard A drum beats, old school metallica melodical guitar duets and some of the best lyrics out there. Please note- Thrice's new album Vheissu is much more mellow on the drums and guitar, but the lyrics are still rad. Also in the new album they have morphed into a 30/70 band. I liked the old, and I like the new.

Moving on- The band must have positive lyrics. Extra points for poetic ability here (see Poetic Ability below). I can't get into songs that are super depressing. Sing something positive. The Used is about as negative as I can get. And they aren't that negative. They are from Utah too so that's a plus. Their first album rocked hard. Second was ok but nothing like the first (self titled). Plus sometimes the lead singer throws up on stage from screaming too much, so that is cool.

An interesting side note: Finch, who is the band that turned me on to screamo in the first place, had a very positive uplifting first album. It's got to be one of the all time best screamo/punk albums. Their second album is quite a bit darker, though still good. Once again, this shows that a band can change their attitude as albums go on. Where Thrice's most recent album is more mellow and mature, Finch's more recent is super dark and weird. I attribute the change in Finch's style to the use of some serious mushrooms.

Poetic Ability: This crucial in any musical genre. It's the same reason I like hip hop and not rap. The lyrics have to be well thought out. Brand New is a great example of this. I hesitate to call them screamo since they have a 20/80 ratio if that. They'd be a great gateway band for someone wanting to get into screamo. Observe the lyrical quality of "Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't" (yes, screamo bands often like long titled songs).

we are the best at what we do.
and these are the words you wish you wrote down.
this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
handsome and smart.
oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my h-h-heart.
and its all from watching tv,
and from speeding up my breathing.

It's almost like they are rapping here. And it rocks. They rock. Check out "Deja Entendu" first since their earlier album "Your Favorite Weapon" isn't nearly as genius.

The thing is folks- it will really benefit you to get into screamo even if you don't think you like screaming. More and more mainstream artists like Fall Out Boy and Anberlin are using a little bit of scream in their songs, and the trend is not going to end.

If you're interested in screamo music, and would like to learn more, contact your local screamo affiliate or check out these bands:

• A Thorn for Every Heart

• AFI

• Dead Poetic

• The Receiving End of Sirens

• Silverstein

• Taking Back Sunday

• Thursday

I've heard of dropping a bomb, but THIS is ridiculous

Phony bomb clogs LDS institute toilet.

Multiple Phone Messages

Here comes another hate blog. Something I hate. And you get to read about it. This is fun stuff.

I call the era we are in the "Communication Era". Maybe someone else already called it that. If so, I agree. If not, I am copywriting it so if you use it I get royalties.

Continuing on... we have email, Instant Messaging, Text Messaging, BlackBerrys, Cell phones, etc etc. We can communicate anywhere. I can take a photo on my cell phone and send it to my uncle in Jamaica in less than 10 seconds. I don't have an uncle there. But if I did. Man I'd go there all the time... and I'd send him lots of photos on my cell phone too... probably.

Ok so- where am I going with this?

If you are leaving a message for someone. You DON'T need to leave it for them in ALL of the various communication methods available! Let me explain. Sometimes people leave the same exact message for me on my cell phone, my home phone, my work phone, and my email. This is not necessary folks. All it means is that I have to listen to or read the exact same message 4 times, and by that point I am so exhausted that I usually don't even care to call the person back.

Leave ONE message. Cell phone is usually a good option since it is probably in the person's pocket (or will be at some point). I understand the thinking, "Well what if they are on vacation, what if they don't have their cell phone, what if it broke, what if a dragon ate it."

Look- if you feel that your message is SO important that it absolutely HAS to be left in multiple mediums, fine. But on the email and the home and work voicemail just say "I left you a message on your cell." Mind you this is still annoying, but not nearly as annoying as LEAVING THE SAME 3 MINUTE LONG MESSAGE ON EVERY POSSIBLE FORM OF COMMUNICATION I OWN!

Stop it. Now. QUIT IT!