How are you?

K- I've just got to say it. Yeah it's ticking me off bad enough that I am writing a blog Saturday night at 10:45. When someone poses the question "How are you?", it's OK to say "fine" or "good" or "dandy" "root-tootin-fan-freakin-tastic".

I am sick of the people who think that "well" is the proper way to respond to the question. "How are you? "Well." WELL WHAT???

They always ask you how you are doing first. Wait for your improper response. Then when you ask them how they are doing they say "well", and give you that look. The look that an NBA player would give a fat midget. The look that a world class poodle would give to a flea infested mutt. THAT look. The look of, "Don't you wish you knew the English language as WELL as I do?"

No.

I don't care.

It's perfectly acceptable to say, "pretty good" or "great!" or "super!". If there is only one proper answer to the question why do we even ask it? Don't even get me started because I have written a lengthy paper on why we shouldn't ask, "how are you" since no one really cares how you are. Yeah don't get me started on that. Don't... get me started...

Tired. Angry. Bed.

Well.

Mel Gibson Cameo in Apocalypto Trailer

Have you seen the Mel Gibson cameo in the trailer for his new movie Apocalypto? It's only one frame long so there is no way you'll catch it unless you slow the trailer down to watch it.

Here's how:

1- Go to the Apocalypto trailer site
2- Watch the Apocalypto trailer. Looks like a pretty cool movie.
3- Near the end the music speeds up and the shots start going really fast.
4- Watch for the monkey
5- Wait for it.
6- When you see the monkey screaming, hit pause
7- Go back frame by frame
8- Hi Mel!

Makes you wonder what else they put in movies that we're not "seeing".

If you are too lazy to do this yourself, I do have a screen shot of it, but I would recommend doing it yourself because the surprise will be better. If you still are just too weak to do it on your own you can see the screen shot here.

Shoplifting

My post yesterday brought back memories of my highschool days. The days when I was such a bad A hard guy that shop owners cringed to see me walk through their doors. I have never shoplifted nor attempted to shoplift a single item, but apparently the shear threat of me being near commercial goods was too great for many a store clerk. Observe these 3 stories:

Exhibit A:

Shop'N'Go. 1990. I walk in with some pals to buy a bevvy and some candy of some sort. The clerk rings me up and then says (in a shaking nervous, yet trying to be tough voice), "...and I'll take whatever that is in your pocket too." Now my first instinct was to punch him in the throat over the counter, but instead I reached into my pocket, pulled out the Guns n Roses mix tape I had just made and said, "Oh you want my mix tape too you (insert some mean teenage expletive here)?!?" He backed away, and we left.

Exhibit B:

REI. 1992. I had just bought a sweet Burton fleece at Salty Peaks. It had all these shapes and squigglies on it. It was totally 90s but since it was right when fleece came out, it was hot stuff. I put it on, and then we decided to go to REI. We walked around for a while and then, finding nothing to buy (since REI is a freaking rip off) we headed out, got in the car, and pulled out to leave. Just then, in my rear view mirror I see this nervous, shaking REI employee (who had been eyeing us in the store) come running out of the store and write down my license plate number. I thought, "WTF (f standing for flip of course)?"

Then I realized.

She thought I had stolen the jacket. I flip around and start driving towards her to explain the situation (not mow her down I swear). She screams and turns around to run back inside. I jump out of the car and run through the door. I ask another clerk where she went. No comment. So I pull the receipt out of my pocket and say, "Look - she thinks I stole this jacket for some reason, but I didn't and I have the receipt right here to prove it."

I guess the lesson here is if you shop at a store regularly, make sure you never wear the clothes from that store when you return to that store. If you must do so, please carry the receipt.

Exhibit C:

1993. Kirkhams. Royal Robbins hats were huge. My friend Dmode and I are of course wearing them because they were hot and so were we. Another case of the "buy our clothes but never wear them back to our store." takes place. Very similar to REI in fact. We see a worker come out and jot down my license plate as we drive off. By this time I don't care so we flip him off and drive away. If you want to call the cops on an $8.99 hat that I didn't steal, knock yourself out granola boy.

So why do I (or did I) look like a thief? No idea. I think it is just that when I walk into a room weak jealous people think I am going to steal something from them (other than their dignity which is already mine).

This cop

I know this cop who was trying to tell me that speeding is just as bad as shoplifting. I disagreed because shoplifting you are stealing someone's actual property. He said as far as the law is concerned they are ranked the same. He asked me if I ever sped and I said yes. He stared at me, and shook his head. I can take a hint.

So I've taken up shoplifting as well...

Home Depot - Where do you park?

You can tell a lot about a person by finding out where they park at the Home Depot.

1- If you park near the exit door
You are a planner. The future is always on your mind. You'd rather make a small sacrifice now (long walk), for a greater reward later (short walk with a cart). You probably have a savings account. You like grilled chicken.

2- If you park near the enter door
You live in the now. Saving time in the future doesn't matter to you as much as saving time right this second. You feel the future is unsure, and would rather reap your reward instantly. You probably eat a lot of microwave food, and use a credit card often.

3- If you park near the exit door and ENTER through the exit door
You think that rules do not apply to you. You like to have your cake and eat it too. You probably park in handicapped spots, use the car pool lane when you are alone, and kill puppies.

4- If you've never noticed the Home Depot parking dilemna, or just take the first open spot you see
You are a simple minded fool.

5- If you don't go to Home Depot
You don't know how to live.

Adventures in Car Land

2 car stories:

First, I solemnly swear never to race Ben to work again. What started as innocent revving of engines while passing each other on Highland Drive ended up as a white knuckled all out nascar-o-rama including going 90 down I-80, cutting through parking lots to pass each other, and finally squeeling into our parking stalls Mitsubishi commercial style (which made everyone walking into work turn around and cheer). After words, we made the promise never to do such a stupid thing again. Best part- I was driving a mini-van and he was in an Accord station wagon. Stakes were high. Revenge of the Soccer Mom Cars!

Second, Yesterday I drove past a very eldery woman (who apparently had forgotten to put her dentures in). She was going the opposite way as I. I noticed she was motioning to me as I passed, so I looked over. She was giving me the thumbs down. I got booed by an old lady. After hearing my last car story, you might think I was speeding and she was telling me to slow down. No. You are wrong. You see we were facing each other at a stop sign and I had just pulled away from the sign heading towards her. I looked at my speedometer after passing her (in hopes that I WAS speeding and not being dissed by a great grandma) and I was doing a mere 15 mph.

Yep- the big thumbs down. From a 90 year old woman with an under bite. I do rock.

a whole nother

Lately I've noticed that I use the phrase "a whole nother" a lot. It's derived from "a whole other", but is actually based on the word "another". It's not just another, it's a whole nother.

Darn Robots

The other day I was walking out of a store. Just as I walked through the door, I noticed a couple on their way in. Being the polite gentleman that I am, I held the door open for them to enter. The wife got a nervous look on her face. She looked at the husband than back at me. He kind of shrugged his shoulders. Then she awkwardly said "Th... That's the... exit door."

She was right.

The funny thing is, the "enter door" was right next to the exit door and they both went to the same place.

Darn Robots.

Perhaps the strangest coincedence ever

Many of you may have read my blog entitled, "Backlash Against 'Katrina'". In said blog, I mocked up an article about how people named Katrina were being abused as if the hurricane were somehow related to them.

The first subject of my article was Katrina Burton, a fictitious woman who was receiving threathening phone calls and had her house burned down. All of this, including the name, was completely made up.

In checking through my stats, I noticed that I had received a couple visits from people searching for Katrina Burton. At first the name didn't ring a bell, so I searched for it on Google to see who it was.

The 5th search result was a USA Today article about one Katrina Burton, whose family was teasing by asking why she had ruined their houses, etc. Read the article.

The crazy thing is that at first I thought they had copied my article thinking it was real (because of the journalistic style I wrote it in). This wouldn't have been that big of a stretch if you know about the Metallica Hoax of 2003.

Anyway I was relieved to read that it was not a copy of my article but just a strange coincedence.

Am I invisible?

Last night I went to the pharmacy to pick up some meds. There was an older couple at the counter so I stood behind the privacy line, you know, the line they put about 5 feet behind the counter so that you can't hear all the crazy meds your neighbor is ordering.

Anyway- I stood there and waited. And waited. AND WAITED. There seemed to be some discrepancy between what the couple thought they were getting, and what they actually were getting. They proceded to sit and chat about it. And chat. AND CHAT. They chatted about all types of tangents and strings.

I just sat there.

The only guy in line.

Am I invisible?

I waited for 15 minutes as they sat and worked out their problems, and chatted about their grandson Jimmy and his bugling trophy.

I hate the cash register chat. It just shouldn't happen. If there is no line it's ok, but if there is someone behind you, yes, even ONE single (invisible) person, shut it and move on. I think most of the blame falls on the store employee. They old couple may be lonely and want to chat. But the employee should know better. They should know that if I don't get this anti-diarrhea med back home to my 2-year-old soon, our house is going to be a very messy place.

Stop the chatting. Seriously.

What's the towel for?

What's wrong with the 40+ year old guys in the gym locker room? I don't know what it is with that generation, but they seem to think everyone else in there wants to see their winkie.

They shower. Dry off with a towel. Then walk into the locker room HOLDING the towel. Like practically dragging it behind them. Come on guy. It's natural to wrap the towel around your waist unless you are trying to flash the whole locker room. Plus they always kind of walk with a slouch thrusting their hips forward as they walk. Dude I didn't need to see that.

Makes me want to yell, "There's your penis!"

Seems like my generation has gotten it for the most part, but someone needs to tell that older group to cover up.

Sleep Naked

When I was a senior in highschool we had a buddy, Kurt, who played on the basketball team. We found out through his mother that the pep club (you know- the 50 girls who wanted to be cheerleaders but were not coordinated enough) was going to be kidnapping the basketball team members Saturday morning and taking them to breakfast.
This gave me an evil plan. It would never work would it? It might. If it did it would be perhaps the best prank ever.
Dmode and I went out with Kurt the night before. The conversation over dinner at Subway went something like this:
Blogdor: I've been getting the best sleep lately
Kurt: Why's that?
Blogdor: Dude- I've been sleeping nude.
Kurt: Like all the way nude?
Blogdor: Buck Naked!
Dmode: F!!! I sleep nude every night! I love it!
Kurt: Serious?
Blogdor: It is SO much more relaxing
Dmode: It just feels more natural
Blogdor: It's the best. I'll never sleep clothed again.
Kurt: (pondering)
After Kurt went home Dmode and I talked about our performance:
Dmode: Think it'll work?
Blogdor: Not a chance
The next day at around noon I get a call:
Caller: Thanks a lot you #&$(#!!!
Blogdor: Who may I ask is calling?
Caller: You know who it is you #&@*!!
Blogdor: Hold on, let me transfer your call
Caller: Did you sleep naked last night?
Blogdor: I always do
Caller: Whatever- nice job. I slept totally nude and at 6am Emily Cowley comes in and rips the blankets off me.
Blogdor: Into your bedroom?
Caller: No- the TV room
Blogdor: No- you slept nude on the couch?
Caller: Yeah
Blogdor: (dying laughing)
Caller: What?
Blogdor: Why on the couch?
Caller: It was hot in my room
Blogdor: So you are naked on the couch and in comes Emily and she rips off your blankie?
Caller: Yeah- Real funny prank you $&@**!!
Blogdor: You slept naked on your couch. hahahahahaha

Elizabeth Smart

Disclaimer: This blog will give you an in-depth look at how the mind of Blogdor works. After reading this you are either going to think I am a genius, or psychotic, or a psychotic genius.

On the way home from work this idea popped into my head. I have no idea why because I wasn't thinking of the Elizabeth Smart case, or anything. But such is the mind of Blogdor.

Similarities between the Elizabeth Smart story and Rumplestiltskin:

Both involve a strange little man with a beard

Both strange little men have uncommon names: Rumplestiltskin and Emmanuel

The daughter in Rumplestiltskin worked a spinning wheel. Elizabeth Smart played a harp.

In Rumplestiltskin, the strange little man worked for the daughter turning straw into gold so she could improve her living quarters (get out of prison alive).

In the Elizabeth Smart story, the strange little man worked on the Smart family house improving their living quarters.

In both stories the strange little man returned years later to take the first born child of the person he had helped.

Both children were saved when a child told the parent the name of the strange little man. In Rumplestiltskin a village boy finds out Rumplestilskin's name. In the Elizabeth Smart story, Elizabeth's younger sister remembered Emmanuel's name months after the kidnapping, which led to his eventual arrest.

Professional reviews of this blog:
"Riveting... Simply Riveting..." - Dave Harding of Dead Rif to Drag

Seen Sean?

Why are there so many legitimate spellings for the name Sean?

• Sean

• Shawn

• Shaun

I can't think of any other names with that many LEGITIMATE spellings. I mean John has two (Jon). Karl has two (Carl). Are there any others with 3?

When I say legitimate I am not talking about these parents who take a traditional name, and bedazzle it with their own little tricks. You know, like Emilee, or Jaxon, or Myshell.

So why Shawn? It's not even that common of a name. Why does it need 3 spellings?

How to restart a frozen ipod

To reset an iPod with a Click Wheel, including:

• Fifth Generation iPod (also known as iPod with video)
• iPod nano
• iPod with color display (iPod photo)
• iPod (Click Wheel)
• iPod mini
• iPod mini (Second Generation)

1. Toggle the Hold switch on and off. (Slide it to Hold, then turn it off again.)
   
2. Press and hold the Menu and Select buttons until the Apple logo appears, about 6 to 10 seconds. You may need to repeat this step.

To reset iPod, iPod (scroll wheel), iPod (touch wheel), and iPod (dock connector)

1. Toggle the Hold switch on and off. (Slide it to Hold, then turn it off again.)
   
2. Press and hold the Play/Pause and Menu buttons until the Apple/iPod logo appears, about 6 to 10 seconds. You may need to repeat this step.
   

If the above steps did not work, try connecting iPod to a power adapter and plug the power adapter into an electrical outlet, or connect iPod to your computer. Make sure the computer is turned on and isn't set to go to sleep.

If you are still unable to reset your iPod, use only one finger from one hand to press the Select button, and one finger from the other hand to press the Menu button.

When you reset iPod all your music and files are saved, but some customized settings may be lost. Date and time is preserved (unless the iPod reset itself because it had no power and then was reconnected to power). Other customized settings, such as Bookmarks, On-The-Go Playlists, Shuffle, Backlight timer, and so forth are preserved from the last time the hard drive turned on.

iPod not responding

If your iPod does not respond to these steps, see additional steps in the "iPod troubleshooting basics and service FAQ".

Ponder these questions

The other day, John Lucas, my 3-year-old son, very sincererly asked me, "Dad, why did Heavenly Father make hotels?" Before I could answer, Tareeka my 5-year-old daughter snapped, "John Lucas, Heavenly Father didn't make hotels... MAN did!"

John Lucas was silent.

"Dad," said John Lucas, "why did MAN make hotels?"

"Why do you think John Lucas?"

"So we could go on vacation?"

"Yep."

What about bookoo?

Bookoo was great. "I've got bookoo skills" or, "You are in bookoo trouble."

When was it... late 80s early 90s? Like the PM Dawn era. Yeah. I guess the 21st century translation is "hella".

Where did bookoo even come from?

I have to admit I don't think I ever said it. I just remember the Burger King commercial with Kidd and Play in it and they kept saying it. I think Flava Flav said it too.

Not THAT Hungry

Meet Ben. I work with Ben. The other day Dawn, a girl we work with, commented, "I'm pretty strong for a girl." It was near lunch time and Ben was starved. Instead of just saying, "Let's go to lunch" (like he should have), he decided to try to say something clever based on what Dawn had just said.

"I'm pretty hungry for a man."

Ahhh Ben. You can't make up that kind of comedy. You just can't.

Fun with Dick and Jane

Now out on DVD!
Fun With Dick & Jane

April Redbox Codes

Folks- I've got the latest set of redbox codes for your viewing pleasure. After you checkout there will be a button to enter your code. This is before you swipe your card. You will still have to swipe your card but will receive your first night free. Get it back within 24 hours and you pay nothing:

4/9 - 4/13 - Creek

4/16 - 4/20 - Fun

4/23 - 4/27 London